I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
