I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
