Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
