So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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