I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
