In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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