sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
