What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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