I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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