I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
