M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
