Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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