Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
