the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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