shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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