I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
No subtext here. People are naked.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
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