Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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