Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
