I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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