I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
