Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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