Just fell off a train. Bad.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
