I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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