I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize