There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
