I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
