i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
