There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
