I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
