when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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