Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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