OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
