Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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