He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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