No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize