I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
