you guys were way drunker than both of me
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
