So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
