Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
MIDGETS
????
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
