if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
