if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
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