The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
