Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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