the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
