last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
