well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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