im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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