I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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