Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
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