Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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