i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
