I faked an abortion last night.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
