Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
