I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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