peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
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She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
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And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
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