I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My life is pants optional.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
