I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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