His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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