Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
handjob tips. give me some.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
